I DID NOT WRITE THIS ARTICLE, but seriously, what the fuck?

Top Five Reasons Why We're (not I) Glad Paul Walker Is Dead

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This year, Christmas has arrived early as B list celebrity actor Paul Walker was reported dead on December 1st, the victim of a high speed car crash north of Los Angeles. This has left many people devastated, a large majority of them being tasteless Fast & Furious fans. While I could sit here and bore you with more details surrounding his death, I’d rather move on from that and present a list of reasons as to why this is a blessing in disguise for the world as a whole.

1. No More Fast & Furious Sequels.

I think I speak for everyone, when I make this my number one reason why it’s a good thing Paul Walker is dead. This movie franchise became stale after it’s second movie, 2 Fast 2 Furious, or as we at the MWD headquarters like to refer to it as, “2 shitty 2 exist.” It just added insult to injury that they’d have the balls to release five more sequels after that. They really breathed life into the term “beating a dead horse.” Of course, there is a small chance that the owners of this crappy movie franchise may replace Walker, we’re confident that there are no actors left who are alive today that have the combined desperation to work and lack of self respect to take the job.

2. There hasn’t been a good celebrity death in a while.

We haven’t had a real, genuine celebrity death of this magnitude since the summer of this year, with Cory Monteith dying of a drug overdose on July 13th, and Lisa Robin Kelly dying of possibly “similar” reasons on August 14 (autopsy reports yet to be released as of this date). The public and media have been yearning for a good celebrity death. Thankfully, Walker was happy to fill the void in our hearts and sacrificed himself for the greater good. For that, we thank you, Paul Walker. At least now your family can say your life served a purpose.

3. His death has been a good distraction from the soldiers who died this week.

Thanks to Walker’s timely death, the media has something better to focus on besides the depressing news of war across the seas that the bleeding heart liberals want us to report on instead of what really matters. Face it, libtards, the citizens of our fine country don’t like being depressed 24/7 by the horrific things going on around them like you do, and would rather obsess over celebrities, what styles they’re currently wearing, or what type of cars they’re getting into high speed crashes in.

Top Five Reasons Why We're (not I) Glad Paul Walker Is Dead4. Vin Diesel will finally be forced to expand his career.

I’m sure I’m not the only one when I say I’m so glad that Diesel will no longer be able to ride the coat tails of Walker’s success, now that he’s dead. With no Batman, there is no Robin, and with no “Brian O’Conner,” there can be no “Dominic Toretto.” Perhaps now, Diesel will finally leave the Action movie genre and find a project he’s better suited for. Better yet, maybe he’ll just retire from his acting career altogether.

5. This proves that rich douchebags die young too.

You know the old saying, “only the good die young?” Well, now we have proof that this saying isn’t entirely true after all! Money can’t buy you happiness, and it apparently can’t buy you immortality either. Perhaps this tragedy will teach children that being rich and famous isn’t a free ticket to thinking you’re above the law and can get away with whatever you want, as the 2005 red Porsche Carrera GT taught Walker and the friend who was driving it.

These are but a few reasons why we’re glad Paul Walker is dead. What are yours?