As many of you know, Doug DeMuro is moving from Atlanta to Philly. He hasn't told us why yet, but I'm sure that he is writing about it in the third person as we speak. However, what he will tell you is all lies. I have conducted my own investigation into this and what I have found is nothing short of gobsmacking. Be warned that reading any further may cause you to question your own reality.
6/13/2014: 11:30 am, at Gawker HQ, Matt Hardigree is watching various rally porn with Raphael Orlove and Travis Okulski. 11:32 am, Matt receives a text message from an unknown number, "You know who this is. We need Torch in Philly." Matt responds, "Torch is MIA in Africa. What's going on?" "Our detectors are getting readings off of the charts." "We can send DeMuro." "Who?" "Doug DeMuro, he wrote a book you know." "Wait. Wasn't he fired?" "Yeah, but he had some dirt on me, you know how it is." "Dirt? Ok, but when can he get up here?" "His Land Rover is in the shop, so, Wednesday?" 1:30 pm, Matt texts Doug DeMuro, "Pack your shit, CarMax in Philly has a surprise waiting for you."
6/19/2014: 12:30 pm, Doug DeMuro arrives at Philadelphia International Airport. A man with long slicked back hair in a black suit wearing a black skinny tie, white shirt and sunglasses is holding a sign for, "DeDouchbag." Doug walks up to him and says, "Hi, I'm Doug. I wrote a book, you know." The man holding the sign groans and takes Doug's bags and the two walk out to a black Lincoln Town Car where the man throws the bags in the trunk, gets into the front passenger's seat and Doug gets in the back seat. Another man is sitting in the driver's seat wearing the same outfit but he has an afro. The man in the passenger's seat pulls out a gun and turns to face the back as the car speeds away. 1:00 pm, The Town Car arrives at CarMax. The three men exit the car laughing hysterically and walk into the showroom. A man in a CarMax uniform greets them, "Well, well, well, you must be Doug DeMuro. Nice to finally meet you. Come this way." They walk into the manager's office and the CarMax employee locks the door behind them. He picks up the phone and dials 8. The room begins to sink down below the ground. The room finally stops moving and the door opens to reveal a large, underground cubicle office complex. "Welcome to the CarMax Underground Command. Vincent and Jules, you are wanted by Winston, you may go now." The two suited men leave down an aisle. The man in the uniform continues, "As you know, we've been getting strange readings on an object. We need you to take a look at this." The two walk down a hall until the come to a series of rooms. They walk up to room 420, Doug says, "Your E36 driving friend would find this very amusing as he rips his bong at an autocross." The man stops, "This is your room until you come up with an answer. The object is in there. Good luck." Doug enters the room.
6/21/2014: 3:00 am, Doug leaves the room. The man is waiting for him outside, "Well do you have an answer?" "Yes I do," Doug hands him a piece of paper and a copy of Plays With Cars. "The fuck is this?" the man says. "It's a book I wrote, and the answer to your question written in 615 words with plenty of humor and side tangents." "You're a strange man, Doug. But you have figured it out." "I have?!?!?" "Yes, this was all a test. Matt Hardigree and I have agreed that you should abandoned you coke enterprise and move here to help us out." "What's the catch?" "Well, you'll still be writing for Jalopnik but also working with us in the mysterious objects claims." "What's it pay? I've got a Ferrari, you know." "It pays whatever you need it to pay, you just have to cover the first 50 bucks yourself and we'll take care of the rest for the next 3 years. Do we have a deal?" "Fuck yes we have a deal." "When can you start?" Well I have some business to attend to in Monaco and all of the moving arrangements to deal with, how about in three months?" "Sounds good, see you then." The man motions his hand and Jules and Vincent come and forcefully remove Doug from the premises.