In a Pinch, Your E30 Can Be Used As a Garden Tractor

Tow hooks are useful when you understeer into the gravel on a racetrack, or when you have a dead bush that needs to be yanked out of your lawn.

Most cars built after 1980 have some kind of tow hook. Usually, they are a loop of cold-rolled steel welded to the front subframe. Unfortunately, the geometry of a tow-truck's winch cable and the angle of your Honda Accord in that ditch means you might as well remove that bumper yourself, before Bubba tears it off as your car ascends the flatbed. Some car companies had the forethought to locate the tow hook in a more useful place at the front or rear of the car, usually hidden among fake intake vents and unused fog lights.

BMW did a great job with the tow hook on the 1988-1991 3-Series, and subsequently, many other models. The tow hook resides in its own little pocket in the trunk wall. When you need it, you pop open a small square on the bumper (with a screwdriver from the on-board tool kit, you heathen) and screw it in.

In a Pinch, Your E30 Can Be Used As a Garden Tractor

In a Pinch, Your E30 Can Be Used As a Garden Tractor

They you go. It's right up front, properly located as to not damage anything on the car. There's no need to buy a pink-anodized, bolt-on, water-jet cut piece, unless it's your intention to convince the local high school car club that you track it on the weekends, bro.

But what to you do if you don't track your E30? You can't just drive it daily, waiting for the eventuality of black ice forcing you into a ditch, at which point you can gleefully install the tow hook and wait longingly for the tow-truck driver to give you the fatherly pat on the back that you've been waiting for for decades. No, you have to be proactive. You need to find uses for this solidly constructed piece of German engineering. You need to honor the BMW designer who provided you with this simple, yet heroically strong addition to the car you already love. You need to attach a chain to it and yank a dead bush out of your lawn like loose tooth from an 8 year old's jaw. You don't need to call a landscaper; the landscapers need to call you when they need some real work done. GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

In a Pinch, Your E30 Can Be Used As a Garden Tractor