I was... uh... NOT browsing porn at 2am just now, when my activity (it most certainly wasn't browsing porn) is interrupted by a loud engine-POP-POP series of events. I thought little of it until I remembered I live on a fucking FARM and there should be no form of motor transport in action unless its ME.


Well, that killed the mood, uh, not that there was any mood to be killing or anything.


I decide to get up and investigate. What do i find? A white GMC small SUV laying on its side in my irrigation ditch. Da FUQ? This is MY yard damnit. Then someone moves. Shit, they lived. Guess I should do something. I call 911 first, and ask for rescue, an ambulance, and police. I give my address and direction to this location. My address only points to a 7 square mile farm. I state that I am going to attempt to render aid and place the call on speaker.
Inside I find a very small, very disoriented woman. I would say in her 30s. I hop up onto the side of the truck and try to open the door. Unsurprisingly this does not work. I tell her to unlock the door. She responds by turning on the headlights. (sigh) I take out my pocket knife and pull out the little flathead screwdriver attachment, and shatter the window. I unlock the door, and attempt to open it. It doesn't open all that well, unsurprising given the vehicles damage. I go into my van and get out my prybar. The door yields and I lift her out of the jimmy. Shes very light.

About this time i see a baby seat in the back. My brain panics. I ask. "Was there anyone else in there with you?" "I don't think so?" is her response. (The 911 operator is asking lots of questions too, but I am not answering them.) I didn't notice before, but shes drunk as fuck. GREAT. She DOESN’T THINK SO. So I hop into the truck and double check there was no baby. Nope. GOOD.


Right as I hop out, the truck starts smoldering at the rear hatch, on the roof side. Yay! I sit her in the back of my van and watch the truck start to burn. About 2 minutes later fire shows up and starts doin their thing. I hang up on the operator stating assistance is here, thanks. I update the vol firefighter ringleader on the situation, and the others are putting the truck out. They double check for a child, of course. The driver would have been fine if I hadn't pulled her out. Probably. Ambulance shows up a minute later and she's loaded up into it. She argues she doesn't need to go to the hospital. The police sobriety test her and she fails. She also smells like she showered in beer and piss. And may be voided her bowels. Possibly a hint of puke. I dunno, it was a pretty complex bouquet. Either way I take this as my cue to depart.


On my way back to the van, i look up and realize she broke a phone pole. Damn, she musta been flyin. Looking at the ground there are no skid marks until she got into the mud. I realize I have my cell phone on me still. So, of course, I snap a photo. For my fellow Jalops.

I'm the worst rescue guy you could possibly ask for...S

Dont drink and drive guys.

I'm the worst rescue guy you could possibly ask for...S

There was a little pink baby seat in there. It could have been so much worse. Fucking bitch is lucky. Shes alive, and she didn't kill someone else or her child. Shes gonna be in a world of financial, physical, and psychological hurt, but shes alive.

Edit to add: Doh, forgot to say why I am a bad rescue person. I wear a set of leg/thoracic braces for a serious injury i sustained a while back. I'm actually quite slow and expect to pay for my little fun hopping activity tomorrow with notable back and hip pain.