Long story short, the Verizon website would let you get the upgrade price on a new phone and keep your legacy unlimited data. Something they have not allowed since early last year. It was fixed within a few hours. I wasn't going to pay $850 for a iPhone 5S to keep my unlimited data, but for $399, sure. Only downside is that you re-up your contract for 2 years, which isn't an issue if you weren't planning on leaving anyway.
I'll make up for the off topic with something good later.