Burger Joint Buys Coffee Joint; Nation Plunges into Crisis

The rumors are true. Burger King, the product of heartless capitalistic American aggression, has purchased Tim Hortons, a wholesome defining cultural symbol of Canada, a nation that tries so very hard to be nordic.

It's hard, maybe impossible, to fully comprehend how horrible this is for an independent Canadian culture. Indeed, full annexation by the imperialist republican neighbors to the south may have been preferable. Tim Hortons stood as one of the pillars of the Canadian people, standing alongside Rick Mercer, bagged milk, poutine, ice hockey, and unelected Senates as a pillar supporting the True North Strong and Free. Now, with such an institution lost, it's not unreasonable to imagine the unimaginable. Will French no longer be required learning in British Columbia? Will the frivolous u's in Canadian English be eliminated? Will our flag patches become annoying instead of a ticket to European friendliness? That's all they really want, is for Europe to like them! But now with a burger joint, the grease on the griddle being America in physical form, all may be lost.

Thanks Harper.