6 Ways to Be a Better Pedestrian, You AssholeS

Pedestrians are the bane of the motorist's existence. You idiots in your walking shoes, headphones, cellphones, newspapers, and tall skinny mocha lattes love to walk blindingly into an intersection– crosswalk present or not –fully expecting a 2000-4500 lb. chunk of metal, plastic, and glass traveling at 40 mph to stop on a dime for your useless body. We all know yield-to-pedestrian laws are there for a reason, but you somehow find a way to exploit even that. You asshole.

But do not fear, for I– a fellow human being –have offered 6 ways to better yourself as a pedestrian instead of nurturing your inner darting squirrel. I'll make this as short and simple as possible.

1. Look Both Ways, You Jerk

Looking to cross the road in front of you? Fair enough, it's a free society – you can do nearly whatever the hell you want. But Jesus tap-dancing Christ, look to your right AND left before even thinking about putting one foot off the curb.

2. Make Your Movement Decisive and Obvious, You Douche Canoe

There's nothing worse than trying to perform an emergency maneuver in a car to avoid hitting a timid or fickle pedestrian that changes their mind/direction out of nowhere. Please (PLEASE) make your path obvious and brisk so we know exactly how to coexist on the road.

3. Find it In Yourself to Wave Motorists Ahead of You, Dick

Your walking speed is, on average, 2-3 mph. You're a slow, lazy animal. And when you cross the road, we motorists must wait at least 10-20 seconds for you to get the hell out of our path. Do us a favor and wave us ahead: we'll be out of your path in a blink of an eye compared to what seems like you intentionally dragging your ass across the ground as slow as possible.

4. Don't Dart in Roads, You Piece of Shit

As mentioned before, we motorists are piloting very large and heavy transportation machinery. By the laws of physics, it requires i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-e effort for me to bring such a contraption to an absolute halt than for you to just chill the fuck out and wait your turn. You're not a dog, you're not a mindless child, you're not a stray neighborhood basketball ... you're a grown ass man/woman who SHOULD understand that blindly running into roads will certainly get you killed. Runners: this goes for you especially.

5. Put Down the Goddamn Phone, Deer Fucker

Think drivers are the only culprits? Not a chance. People become zombies when they willingly immerse themselves in a phone conversation, text string, social media, news reports, episodes of Wilfred on Netflix, you name it ... and when they become zombies, they walk into roads without a single care in the world. Put down the fucking phone for TWENTY SECONDS and then continue your "connected" life once you're not in the barrel of a shotgun (your local friendly thoroughfare).

6. Get the Fuck Outta' the Road, Asshole!

Just stay out. And if you're in a crosswalk as I and every other motorist in the line of 25 cars behind me wait for you, please pick up the pace and jog out of the way. The road wasn't built for your travel by foot ... it was specifically crafted to endure years, if not decades, of very heavy travel by very heavy vehicles at a very high rate of speed. For the same reason why I don't loiter in my car casually down an active runway at Logan International Airport, I expect you to awake from your latest sleepwalking episode and complete the long and treacherous journey between 2 city blocks.

Welcome back to Incriminating Evidence, where the justice system may use an author's own incendiary words and thoughts in order to convince a jury that striking and injuring an old woman crossing the street was not an accident!